Who Writes This Garbage?

 

D.L. Martin

D.L. Martin was born at a young age. Steve Martin, his father and not the actor but still a wild and crazy guy and who could be described as a jerk, stopped to look at used cars on the way to the hospital. On the way out of the hospital, baby D.L. was stung on the head by a bee. And they haven’t been friends since.

In elementary school, they told D.L. he didn’t need to know how to read or write to be a construction worker and a math teacher called him stupid. In response to this, his cousin taught him to read through Stephen King short stories and his mother made the math teacher cry. D.L. spent his high school years experimenting in German, trombone, and spoon theft. He would later give up playing the trombone during undergrad.

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From there, the life of D.L. Martin becomes fuzzy. Some say he left the U.S. during the Bush Administration to study Tibetan Mysticism and Kafkaesque Cinema in distant, exotic lands, while those closest to D.L. just say he was farting around Germany and Austria, getting drunk, and eating Käsekrainer. In the early twenty-tens, he lost a bit of his mind somewhere between Cleveland and his second Masters. It took some of D.L.’s favorite hairs with it and didn’t leave a forwarding address. In the aftermath, he gave up shaving.

A life-long transient settler, D.L. has opened bank accounts in ten different cities in six states in three countries and only had to live in his car once. He’ll probably never go back to Toledo. “No, sir, madam,” D.L. said in an interview. “Not even if it meant I could get back my Boy Scout uniforms and bouzouki.”

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Something Like A Resume

Education

• BA in German Language and Literature (TN, USA)
• MA in Germanistik (Salzburg, AT & OH, USA)
• MA in Translation (OH, USA)

Nicknames

• Skeetzerpew
• Brummbärchen
• And other bear related nicknames

Things Not Really Worth Mentioning But We Need To Fill Up Space

• Favorite book: The Once and Future King
• How many times he’s seen Seven Samurai: 37 (His VHS tape melted from over-viewing)
• Slept in a fountain
• Career goals: Either a garbage man or detective (child); A muppeteer (adult)
• Favorite position: Anything above entry-level with a nice salary, remote if possible
• His many great-grandfather John Mildenhall has the distinct honor of being one of the first Englishmen to make an overland journey to India. There he lied about being an ambassador of the British East India Company, was said to be skilled in the ‘art of poysoning,’ and his grave is the first recorded burial for an Englishman in India.
• On the same side of the family, another great-grandfather got kicked out of the Quakers for getting married in a church.
• His older brother used to wake D.L. up at 4am on Christmas morning to look at presents. He did this into their teenage years.
• Was once snuck backstage by B.B. King’s cousin and got to meet B.B. King on his tour bus